The Amazing Shrinking Walrus
This is a bit of an odd blog, it starts in the middle of the beginning and the start of the end, hopefully. You may guess by the title that this blog is about weight loss. The funny/odd/USP part of it is that I have already done it, well, most of it at least. This blog is primarily to give me somewhere to download the trials and tribulations of trying to keep the bastard weight off and also somewhere to pontificate on other random issues that somehow, even if they do not appear to be even remotely linked to weight loss, seem to affect my tiny little mind somehow which then affects the weight doodab. Anyway, I am already waffling (MMMmmm, waffles) so I will post the post that started this post, if you get my drift.
When I reached my goal weight in may 2012, I wrote the following. It is a raw, honest account of why I started the 'journey' towards skinnydom and it was very cathartic to get it written down. So, here it is, a place where I can see it time and time again and remind myself of how bloody awful being fat was.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin:
A story of willpower and grub
 |
| Day 1 |
Obviously I wasn't always fat. I
didn't come shooting out of mother's whatnot the size of a small rhino, her
screaming for an epidural. I weighed a healthy 7lb 6oz the day I plopped into
the world, then the next few years I did what kids do. Got chubby, ran around in circles a lot and
got skinnier. Added puppy fat, ran around in circles a lot and got skinnier,
discovered the joys of 10p mix up penny sweets, pocket money and Chomp bars,
got a bit of puddin round the thighs, played football lots and got skinny.
This childhood weight management
continued fairly easily through to my teens. I was actually so well put
together, like a feminine Morph, in fact that I undertook modelling aged 14 or
so for teen magazines and some such until the photographer asked me to remove
my 32AA bra and pose provocatively at which point my mum went crazy at him and
pulled me out of the studio sharpish. I
was a size ten through my teen years, chunky thighed maybe as my aunt and
cousin took great pleasure in pointing out a couple of times but otherwise, to
paraphrase the inimitable Mr Eric Morecombe, pretty much everything else was
right and quite nearly all in the right order.
 |
| Week 12 |
The weight started piling on like a
Rugby scrum when I hit 18 or so, following an extremely violent and destructive
relationship with what I can only describe as pond life. Without going into too
much "My Name is Dave" detail, physical and emotional abuse, as well
as essential captivity within the home meant that I discomfort ate. See what I did there? Bollocks to comfort
eating, as it brought no comfort at all. Just hid the issues I had emotionally
and made me a chubster into the bargain. What's comforting about that? Going to
university (golly! Fat people can be smart? Why yes!) well, smart in every area
apart from the junk I fuelled my body on. Binge eating was the order of the
day. I did politics and English at Loughborough, the sportiest university in
the bloody world. Every other bugger was dressed in African Violet shellsuits
hop, skipping and jumping around like they were starring in a Tampon
advert. The first week, walking to the
Freshers Ball in my Size 18 shapeless dress, 5 chaps yelled at me 'you're fat!'
at the top of their lungs. About 50 people turned round to look and point. I went back to my room and ate two
cheeseburgers, fries and a slab of Dairy Milk. That was the start of something
dangerous.
 |
| Week 13 |
I was in catered halls, but because I
was so paranoid that people were looking at my food choices thinking
'disgusting fatso' I didn't eat breakfast, got a sandwich at lunch and a
'salad' at dinner - you know the type, dribbling like a 2 year old with mayo
and sauces and bacon bits and anything that wasn't green. I would then go to a variety of different
shops on different days, load up on sugary, refined carbs for me and my
'friends' and sit in my room eating it.
By the end of uni I was 17 stone.
Since then, the weight has crept on
stealthily, like woodland fog, it's tendrils caressing my thighs, then tummy,
arms, chin, chin, chins until 2008, weighing 19 stone 5lb I went on a diet with
WeightWatchers to lose weight for my wedding in December 2008. I'd always
wanted a traditional vintage wedding, with 200 people, an empire line lace
dress and dozens of bridesmaids. What I
had was effectively an elopement to Las Vegas. I couldn't bear the thought of
200 people looking at my bulk and the repeated 'Oh, you've such a pretty face'.
I also didn't have any real friends to be bridesmaids because I never
socialised. On the WeightWatchers diet
(the one where you point everything including your fingernails, get
congratulated on losing a quarter of a lb (I can blinking pooh a quarter of a
lb love, big freaking deal) and survive on 2 Mars Bars a day and some cobwebs
because 'anything is allowed' I actually managed to get down to 15 st 7. I was
wearing a Size 22 wedding dress though.
This particularly pained me. When I
went to try on wedding dresses at the, erm, wedding dress shop, I suppose it is
called, I said to the woman how paranoid I was about my weight. Here is what
she said to me, and while I am wont to exaggerate in the interests of the
comic, this is verbatim: ' Oh don't worry, if your husband got together with
you when you were huge he won't care that you look chubby on the day' and 'when
you walk down that aisle, nobody will be looking at your body, they'll be
thinking how pretty you look for an overweight person'. I smiled and nodded
meekly, whilst imagining bricking her windows and thwacking her moustachioed,
patronising face with a spiked frying pan.
 |
| Week 15 |
After I got married, bizarrely I put
the weight on again because I didn't have another goal. The wedding had
happened, so I could do what I wanted. I had learnt how to be slim, right?
Wrong, my eating habits and thinking hadn't changed because with WeightWatchers
you pay £6 to get weighed then flogged
WeightWatchers food. It always made me laugh that the food they sell at
meetings are WW interpretations of chocolate bars, crisps, biscuits and
cookies. Talk about send mixed messages!
So my weight went up and up and in October 2011 I weighed myself for the
first time in 5 months and I was 20stone 11lb.
I climbed off the scales, sat on the bathroom floor, and wept.
Things That Have Been Yelled At Me By People I Don't Know
- Oi, Lardarse - 9 year old kid on a bike
- Fat F*cker - by a bouncer at a nightclub
- Out of my way you fat c*nt - countless commuters, mainly middle class men in suits
- Oi, Dawn French you look a f*cking state
- Fatso, fatty, chubs, FAT - mainly guys outside pubs and clubs, which I would cross over to avoid
- F*cking walrus
- Jesus, look at the state of that - a couple of pensioners on the bus
- You disgust me - drunk bloke at pub trying to 'motivate me'
- You've Been Framed! Group of kids that lived near me at uni when Lisa Riley presented said programme.
- You look f*cking awful - a family member.
 |
| Week 17 |
What Changed?
The triggers for me finally getting
my head around the fact that I could have taken down the Titanic far closer to
shore than the mid Atlantic just by stepping on the gangplank were varied. In May 2011, I went to a friends wedding and
wore a lovely new top and did my hair and I felt lovely for the first time in
years. 2 things happened. Firstly, the
photos came back and I stood out, well, like a large flowery boulder, chins
swaying in the wind and frankly just looking a bit desperate and silly amongst
these waifs of girls, happy and healthy in floating chiffon and me in Evans
finest. Secondly, they had dancing. That
song that goes 'Shawty got down, down, down' was playing, so I jibed my way
down, and then I literally couldn't get back up. I was on the dance floor and
my leg just gave way. The next day I saw a very kindly consultant at East
Surrey Hospital because I couldn't walk, who stated. 'you are too fat, walk a
dog' then left. Now, I have seen various levels of contempt and disgust through
my fat years. The commuters who would rather stand for an hour instead of sit
next to you for fear of being squished or GOD FORBID other people think that I
was your girlfriend or something. I spent my life with one but cheek on a seat
so as to give others room. Contempt of
bar staff at trendy pubs as if to say YOU DO NOT BELONG. And TopShop staff who
would begin directing me to the shoes and bag section before I had got two feet
in the door, but this Doctor looked at me with such unbidden vitriol, he
despised me and everything my flubber said. He only saw the fat and treated the
fat, not the person inside. I came out and cried in the car and said 'this is
affecting my health now, I need to do something about it' I didn't, then
though.
 |
| Week 20 |
The second was going on an all inclusive
holiday to Tunisia and refraining from eating virtually anything as I could
barely do the belt up over me on the way out.
It was a short flight, but when I got off the plane in Hammamet, the
belt had cut through the skin and my tummy was bleeding. Also, there is nothing
quite like shuffling sideways down the aisle, sweating and huffing and people
turning their faces away or looking down, their innate prayers of 'Please don't
let her be next to me, please don't let her be next to me' and having that awful
pity for the person you do end up next to when half way through the flight you
need a wee and have to get your heft past two people and squeeze into the
airline loo, all elbows and knees and feel the walls against your thighs and
have to do a funky twisty turny, one leg on the cistern so the door will open
fully escape manoeuvre.
The third trigger was that I have had
bouts of depression and anxiety for years, mainly related to the relationship
and my weight and at the Drs to pick up some tablets she asked to do my blood
pressure and cholesterol and the results were that of a 53 year old heart
attack victim. She said she should be putting me on tablets, but that would
mean being n them forever. She told me I was too young for surgery and I had a
month to show her I was willing to make changes. She said that some of her
patients had had great weight loss on LighterLife and I should check it out.
I went home and Googled. I had heard
of Slimfast and other powder based diets but had never gone down that route,
thinking that if I couldn't manage to stick to the WW diet of two Mars Bars and
a cucumber a day, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to stick to astronaut food.
However, something started to sink in. I called my local counsellor and
arranged to go to a drop in meeting, which I bottled, then I rearranged and
missed that one too. The thought of the
task ahead was almost too much. I needed
to lose at least 9 and a half stone to get to what is considered in medical
circles as a 'healthy weight'. I had to lose a person. Lots of thoughts were whirring through my
head, mainly around my own lack of confidence at my ability to stick at
it. I hate to admit it, but I am a
desperate giver upper. If I can start something with enthusiasm and vigour and
spend lots of money on all the right equipment and never touch it again after a
month then I love it. My life is littered with debating societies, oboes,
pianos, footballs, art implements, half knitted scarves, forgotten pen pals and
a dubious collection of half finished cross stitches. I really believed that I wouldn't be able to
do it. Having had 16 years of people effectively saying I didn't count because
I was fat, it was hard to think I should bother having a go. Let me try to sum up what being fat feels
like. Not just fat, but morbidly obese 'Wow look at the size of that the
suspension on this bus is creaking' level of fat.
 |
| Week 22 |
It feels like you are the biggest
thing in any room, but also the most invisible.
Your opinions don't count. You're
lazy. You're stupid. You can't take care of yourself so can't be trusted to
look after anything else.
Now, I generalise of course, I have a
few close friends, colleagues and family that could see past it and gave me
some great opportunities, but just like the black, the ginger haired, the bald,
the crooked of nose, the short, the tall the every kind of diversity you can
think of beyond the medias representation of what is desirable and normal, I
just felt I always had to work that bit harder to impress people.
The thing that made me go to
LighterLife happened about a week after my third missed appointment. I had had
a bad day emotionally with my Mum and had binged on alcohol, chocolate, crisps
until I felt sick. I then cried and cried and cried and went and had a bath and
I couldn't fill the bath up enough to cover my bulk and I cried some more, and
had to clamber out of the bath backwards and the massive bath sheet wouldn't do
up around me and I lay on my bed and was crying myself to sleep when my husband
came in, tears in his eyes and said 'I want you to be happier. What one thing
would help to do that at this time?' and I responded without skipping a beat,
'To be slim'.
 |
| Week 23 |
Ten Things I Couldn't Do When I Weighed 20 stone 11lb
- Pull my own socks up
- Wear shoes that had a strap at the ankle because I couldn't reach to do them up
- Sit on the middle seat on a train
- Go horse riding/go karting/on roller coasters
- Eat in public without seeing someone sneer at me
- Go up any hill without feeling tight across my chest at the top
- Sit on plastic chairs without worrying they would give out on me or leave me with dents in my legs
- Wear sleeveless tops or anything shorter than knee length
- Sleep on an air bed
- Do any exercise in public without comments or laughter - fat people running, looking like a hyperventilating Ribenaberry are amusing, I grant thee, but the juice inside has feelings.
So what is LighterLife all about?
Well, funny enough, it isn't as unhealthy as being nearly 21 stone. You eat 4 food packs a day, they are like
astronaut food in that they have been carefully balanced to give you all the
nutrition you need to function. In fact, I was eating better in terms of
recommended daily amounts of vitamins and minerals than I was before. The packs are split into Shakes (Chocolate,
Banana, Vanilla and Strawberry)' soups (Vegetable, Mushroom, minestrone, Asparagus, Chicken) meals (Chilli, Shepherds
Pie, Pasta Carbonara and Porridge) and cereal bars (toffee, cranberry, peanut
and nut fudge) you mix the packs with water and eat them. Simple. The only other
things allowed are leaf tea, black coffee, salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce.
Lighterlife also provide mousses mix, fibre mix, savoury broth and fruit
flavourings for water. You are encouraged to drink around 3 to 4 litres of
water a day to keep you hydrated. And that's it.
Finally, I had boundaries around
food. This is what you are allowed. Anything else isn't on the plan. No extra
spoons of this or a lick of the fingers of that. Total abstinence from
food. In addition, and this is the bit I
liked, you get counselling each week in a group to talk through the whys and
wherefores of why you overeat, and are taught techniques based on Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy and Transactional Analysis to make sure that you have more
chance of maintaining post weight loss.
 |
| Week 24 |
LighterLife use the rudimentary
measure of healthy BMI to help set goals. Yes, yes, I know Brad Pitt is obese,
but seeing as I wore a size 16 top, Size 12 skirt and Size 10 cardi all in the
same outfit the other day, measuring by dress size can go to hell. Measuring weight is obviously a good way of
doing it but us ladies and our hormones and water intake and whether the moons
gravitational pull is slightly off kilter sends scales loopy and we become
slaves to them. So healthy BMI it is.
You go to your class, maximum of 12
members, then immediately pee on a stick. Not in front of done, obviously, but
this is to measure if you are in ketosis. This is LighterLife's USP. Because
your calorie intake is so low, you use up the carbs, you use up the glycogen
then your body says 'I'll have some of your fat' and starts burning that for
energy. Ketosis suppresses your appetite. That's how it works. I thought this
was quite clever. You get weighed with
your counsellor, order your food packs for collection the following week then
have a 45 minute interactive counselling session, focused on 4 week modules
such as assertiveness, challenges, change and transitions, with exercises to do
in your own time. Then you toddle off home
and eat dust.
10 Key Things/Quotes from Counselling
1. Will
this help me to reach my goal?
2. Is
it my body that is hungry, or my head.
3. What
I put into my body is MY choice, not other people's. People will not stop
liking me if I say no to a donut.
4. Stop,
Pause, Engage
5. If
I eat this now, how will I feel in a minute, hour, day?
6. I
can't predict the future, or read minds. I am not a failure if I make a
mistake. I haven't ruined everything if I make a mistake.
7. Change
is good, but you may feel wobbly along the way
8. It
is ok to ask for help
9. For
people saying I'll put it all back on- don't try to blow out my flame to make
yours burn more brightly
10. For people saying 'don't lose too much more,
you look fine' it's my body, I'll decide when I am healthy. It's a shame you
weren't so supportive when I looked like an oak tree.
So, Did It Work?
I started LighterLife on 11 October
2011. My weight was 20 stone 11 lb, BMI 46.6 and I was wearing Size 26
clothes. The first day was difficult, I
had convinced myself I was going to hate the packs, so it became a self
fulfilling prophecy and I had to hold my nose as I ate some of them. The first three days I felt headaches,
hungry, nauseous and dizzy and very tired. Day 4 I had lost 8lbs and felt
fantastic.
Fast forward seven months through the
following events: holiday with 15 family members for a week in a castle in
Wiltshire, Christmas work do, Christmas and New Year, My dad dying, getting a
new job, opening my own bakery business, finishing my professional
qualification, valentines day, 10 year anniversary of being with Steve, 3rd
wedding anniversary, holiday to Lyme Regis to a beer festival, a weeks holiday
in Yorkshire and a wide variety of theatre and cinema trips and days when I
just wanted a sticky toffee pudding cuddle in a cup when I had had a crappy day.....well,
during all of that, I had nothing but those packs. NOTHING. And by god, for all
of you who may have a few extra pounds, or want to drop a dress size, let me
say this. If I can do it, anyone can. Just believe you can, lose the self
hatred and fear and worry that either you or others have created for yourself,
choose a goal and DO IT.
 |
| Goal BMI |
I feel like a human again.
On May 14th, my work had a health
fair, measured me up and I had hit BMI 25, I wear Size 12 clothes and weigh
11stone 6lb. So, that is the story so
far. I am in the process of writing up my blog from my time on the programme so
will be posting that soon too. I have
written this so it is out there in the ether, so I can remind myself what I
have done. And so never go back.
10 Things I Do Now I Didn't Used To
1. Wear
high heels
2. Say
no to people
3. Stop
eating when I am full
4. Put
my knife and fork down between mouthfuls
5. Go
shopping in any shop I like
6. Run
5k in under 30 minutes
7. Take
ballet lessons without looking like a fairy elephant
8.
Go
to the DR without fearing being told I have diabetes/high blood pressure
9. Feel
my husband properly when I cuddle him, not just with my tummy and arms
10. Walk down the street and not think people are
looking at me thinking I am scum.
11. Believe I can do anything, including turning a
list of 10 into 11 if I bloody well feel like it.
Cheers.
 |
| My first 'proper' food and drink in 7 months..... |
